“Verily, verily, we command of thee, place your butt on the seat before you pee.”
— so singeth the chorus of the angels of sanitation.
To all you third leg jocks who believe it an effeminate gesture, or who believe it somehow unmanly, I say this: If at home you stand up to pee, your bathroom stinks of urine, and everything within a three-foot radius of your commode shows signs of corrosion. Why would you choose to live like that? Swine are more sanitary than most men.
I live in a forest, so I have the benefit of going out the front door and expelling the contents of my bladder in amongst the ferns and rhododendrons. My son learned to do that early on, as have my two grandsons, soon to be seven and nine years of age. As the younger of the two said recently about going outside, “It’s the closest bathroom.” Indeed. There is, however, the civilized need to discriminate. Once when he was with his grandfather, my son who at the time was about four years old, got out of the car and proceeded to pee in the Wal-Mart parking lot, giving new emphasis to the concept of being unabashed. For adults there is nothing quite like the embarrassment of childhood innocence.
I only stand up to pee when in a public restroom equipped with urinals; and when inside one of those wretched haunts, I stand with my feet as far apart as I can without intruding into the space of the guy next to me. I do that for the simple reason that I otherwise would have my shoes planted in a puddle of piss. I don’t understand why men cannot better direct themselves. That they do not could perhaps be indicative of an unfortunate shortage. I wouldn’t know about that; but on the tiles below every urinal in every restroom in the whole wide world, there will be found a disgusting pond of the foul and fetid effluence of slovenly men. Ugh.
Once when pontificating on this subject in the presence of some females, one spoke up and said, “You should see what goes on in the women’s restroom.” No thank you. Regarding that subject and others, whenever the gray mush inside my skull begins to simmer with imagination, I immediately shut it down. There are images, many images that are simply not allowed inside my head.