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Yes, celebrities suck.
Elizabeth “Lizzy” Holmes has officially begun her stretch in a Texas pokey, just for harmlessly bilking greedy people out of hundreds of millions of dollars. You may recall that deep-voice-Lizzy invented a box that had magic inside. Well, that’s what she told everyone. In fact, when the box was opened, all that was found inside was an index card that had this printed on it: “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
Somebody named Billie Eilish is in trouble with the BLTGang. Apparently Billie has always presented herself as a tomboy, and when she put on a dress all the whack jobs condemned her. Love is so fickle. I don’t even know why I mention this story. I’ve never heard of Billie Eilish.
Another con artist gave a graduation address at an irrelevant college in New York city the other day. Her name is Fatima Mousa Mohammed, known to her besties as Fat Mouse. She became the valedictorian at the college by promising the dean she would not only blow up a synagogue, but that she would blow him, too. Fat Mouse hates America, but that’s okay, because loyal Americans hate her back. She used her time at the podium to, (yawn) condemn white people, condemn the police, condemn the law, condemn the Jews, etc., etc. She will be a great federal judge someday.
The spectacularly mediocre man, Bruce Springsteen, pulled a Joe Biden and tripped up some stairs at one of his tedious concerts. He fell flat on his face, but the really bad part of the story is that he got up and started singing. Ugh.
Also on the music scene this past week was dumpy bald guy, Jimmy Buffett, lying to his fans about how much they mean to him. The 76-year old hack was hospitalized for an undisclosed ailment, which resulted in a concert cancellation at Charleston, SC. Everyone who has ever met Buffet — ME ME ME, twice — knows he is an arrogant, contemptuous, unfriendly prick. Lucky for him, 99-percent of his fan base will never have that misfortune. When you think about it, that’s lucky for them, too.
In Chicago the new mayor is beaming with pride after more than 50 people were shot during the Memorial Day weekend.
“Lori Clubfoot, she don’t know shit. My shootin’ numbers be way up! Bad thing is, out that 50, only ten of ‘em be dead. We go have to teach them boys how to shoot straight, not hold they gun sideways and all that shit.”