If you drive through the village of Maggie Valley, NC, and come upon a white, Japanese truck traveling the speed limit in the hammer lane, you will have found me. You can be sure it’s me by the sign in the back glass: I might be slow, but I’m ahead of you.
That line is from a routine by the late Bro. Dave Gardner.
It is a wonderful sentence, filled with the magical power to send the drivers behind me into apoplectic fits. You may think, in general, that drivers are patient people, non-aggressive and friendly.
That ridiculous sentiment is instantly dispelled with a sign like mine. And that rhymes, brothers and sisters.
Maggie Valley is a tourist town, and the speed limit is 35 mph; but the signs announcing that limit are as worthless as a Tesla in a N. Dakota blizzard. People who drive the speed limit, people like me, are anathema to the unruly who speed around me on the right, sneering and cursing and displaying middle fingers. It’s always good for a laugh. As I have noted previously, drivers behind me don’t necessarily want to arrive at a destination. They want only to get in front of me.
The road through the town is five lanes wide, and sidewalks and crosswalks are usually brimming with pedestrians. I never drive on the sidewalk, and I only use one lane at a time. If people don’t like it, they can choose one of the other four; or they can drive on the sidewalk.
I know the rule about the hammer lane. But I also know that when I’m driving two miles over the limit, moving into the righthand lane to allow the irate citizen behind me to pass would be to aid and abet a lawbreaker. I’m only trying to help.
Not really. I’m lying. What I am really doing is forcing people to slow down and reveal their true nature. It’s SO easy; and funny.
As the distinguished intellectual, Theodore Dalrymple, points out, the only way to ensure people will not speed in their Tahoes and Subaru’s would be to set the limit at 1,000 mph. Nobody would ever break it.
I have a more realistic idea. It is based on evidence that [whenever possible] drivers will ALWAYS drive faster than the limit, no matter what it is. Therefore, I’m thinking of visiting the mayor. I will propose that if he wants people to drive safely through town, the limit should be set at 28 mph.
They will then drive 35 mph, and I can take the sign out of my window.
p.s.
While motoring around town I have a .357 within reach, you know, just in case . . .
Well done. Now try it in Bavaria with a full-sized American sedan. My coworkers were curious about why I arrived at work with a smile on my face every day.
Most people would tell you they’re honest and would never break the law.