The Gaiety

It’’s all so schweet.

I am so excited about Pride month! And guess what I heard? I heard that all the grocery stores and convenience stores and gas stations and a lot of other businesses will be open all month, in honor of the celebration. The banks will be open, too, except on Sundays. It will be just like Afro-American history month, but the colors will be a lot brighter.

And did you know that the old rainbow flag is out? No, I don’t mean, like, the flag came out of the closet or anything. The old flag has been washed away on a torrent of lubricant and tattoo ink. In its revered place is the all new “Progress Pride” flag. Maybe you’ve seen it: lot’s of new lines and geometric jazz, some new colors and circles and I don’t know what all. It’s just bee-YOO-tee-ful!

But I’m worried that the new flag is not inclusive enough. I’ve examined the thing, and for the life of me I can’t find a reference to all those 217 genders that everyone is talking about. A committee should be formed to investigate.

So, what are your plans for Pride month? Will you be taking the kids to drag queen picnics? What about some good old-fashioned gender surgery? Your five-year old boy probably doesn’t know it, but chances are good that he really wants to be a girl. It is your duty as a parent to take him to one of those gender clinics, for some corrective surgery. You may think all this child butchery is just a fad, and it may be. But you should not take chances. For all you know, some straight congresswoman (probably a Christian) is lobbying right now to make those operations illegal.

Thankfully the fringe gay community will be drawing our attention to that issue. All month long they will be parading and swishing and kissing and guzzling Bud Light and God knows what else. They are determined to bring their message right to our doorsteps, where, once we are able to see it up close and personal, we too will eagerly don tuck-friendly swimsuits and chest binders (by Target), and head out into the streets to sing and dance and get an STD. What fun!

But I sense trouble on the horizon. You see, not all gay men are demented, sick perverts. (You can say gay sex is perverted, but don’t overlook the fact that what gay men do in their bedrooms is emulated by a lot of straight people. I won’t go into detail.) I’ll wager that most gay men just want to be left alone, and that includes being left alone by screeching freaks whose daddies hate them. But once again this country is subjected to the rule of the minority; and in this case that minority is infinitesimal, no matter what the New York Times says.